Waiting

From the 24-week mark, I have been waiting for this adventure in Italy to begin, dividing the weeks into segments, counting the days until departure, and tracking the tasks that have to be finished before I go.  I am almost done, with riding camp (fourteen small children and seven ponies; what was I thinking?!) and closing out my two summer school classes as the only tasks I have left.  Oh, and I still don't have a visa.  I contacted the appointment line, I planned, I gathered, I traveled, I met, and I left my precious materials behind. I even kissed the envelope for luck.  I did all I could and now it's completely out of my control.  Out. Of. My. Control.  That's the problem. 

So, waiting.  Nine days left and my passport is still in the hands of the Italian consulate in Philadelphia (note to self:  next time apply on the first possible day, work schmerk). 

During this anxious countdown, a wise person in my life stood by as I agonized about the wait, berating myself for my lack of patience.  She listened carefully and then observed, "It's not about patience, Anna, it's about trust.  You have to believe that good things are coming into your life." 

Trust.  Trust?  I asked myself where that comes from.  And how do I trust a bureaucracy that is known the world around for its lack of concern about time?  After days of thought I realized that it's not about trusting the Italian consulate, it's about trusting myself, and the Creators.  Trust is knowing that I can go from Plan A to Plan B with grace and without pause, that no matter where I end up for the next year, I will be free to complete the work of rebuilding my best self and commiting to her. 

Right now, trust is about knowing that a delay in departure is not the end of the world.  It's about believing that reality works to make life better.  So far I can see it:  patience isn't needed when I like where I am and assume the timing is perfect for the next thing.  I am beginning to understand that the potential for having to accept unexpected change is not about compromising my plans, it's about letting go of control and knowing it's all okay.  Mostly it's not so bad, and how much control did I really have in the first place?  So what if I sound like a walking cliche?  This is an important lesson to learn.

So here I am, in High Point, nine days from departure and without a visa, getting ready to go talk about hope and healing in my Understanding Eating Disorders class.  I'm also waiting for the phone to ring.  I may be learning to trust, but today I called the consulate's "urgent matters" line.  Getting my visa is urgent, right?  And sometimes reality needs a push.  ABP
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PS:  So I only have to write it once, here's a brief note to those of you who have asked about the horse trainer in Italy:  it's been over for a while.  Without exaggeration I can tell you that he dropped me for his poodle.  Arf.  AP